Hi. My name is Sue, and I am a control freak. My control issues began (approximately) 36 years, 354 days, 4 hours, 33 minutes and 18 seconds ago...
I used to think I was as far from being a control freak as you could get! I would watch the poor saps who thought they could control their lives and snigger to myself, enjoying the freedom I had to be carefree and easy-going. Then one day, I watched a man trying desperately to organise a group of people into some semblance of order, and I said under my breath, “Thank You God that I’m not a control freak”, with a mixture of relief and pride in my voice. And as clearly as a person can hear heaven, I heard, “Oh really?” with a note of disbelief and a barely suppressed snicker. And from that moment, God has shown me just how much of a control freak I really am.
Like when I realised I was disciplining my children in public to impress others, and not for my children’s good; or when I find myself trying to control my children, not actually discipline them (I mean, well-behaved children mean I must be getting the parenting thing right, right)?
Or when I want my husband to be different from who he really is – wanting to control and change him, make him do things the way I like them done (honestly, I’m sure the word ‘helper’ in Hebrew should actually have been translated ‘transformer’).
Or when I am so very sure God must have forgotten the way I want my life to go because the path I’m walking isn’t quite what I planned. (“For I know the plans I have for me,” I say to the Lord).
Some (every?) days it’s just so much easier to do tasks myself, rather than rely on anyone else (I mean, how on earth will they do them in the best, most efficient way? Surely I know best)...
Instead of loving with abandon, I hold my affection back, giving carefully measured doses (just in case it’s not reciprocated, then at least I haven’t ‘wasted’ too much of my emotional energy). Losing control of my emotions is just so undignified.
And then I face those moments when I know God is asking me to trust Him more, step out onto the water, dare to believe He can do absolutely anything with my life; but I find myself shrinking back, not wanting to lose control, wanting everything to be neat and easy to keep in order. (And just when the babies stop coming and I have energy to keep my house vaguely in order, my boys discover Lego... Sigh)…
I could (to my shame) go on and on, but I want to conclude with the hope I have to become a non-control freak! The fact that God has made me aware of these things means He is taking me from glory to glory. I know He is committed to me becoming more like Him, and I rest in His goodness to get me there. My hope is (in the paraphrased words of A.W. Tozer), “That I can change, because God doesn’t”. As I see – daily – more of the Sovereign, glorious, faithful God, I can do nothing else except trust and obey Him.
I have to relinquish control of my life, otherwise how will the world ever be changed through the Gospel? If I’m holding on to my neat, comfortable life, how will those around me be affected by a vibrant, not-loving-my-life-too-much-to-shrink-from death kind of faith? I can think of little worse than getting to the end of my life, and finding out I missed seeing God’s huge hand in action because I was afraid to lose control – control I actually never had over my life anyway! I will not live my life afraid of change, afraid of the unknown. I will not raise my children to think they have control in their lives, rendering them ineffectual to impact the world.
And so I say, “Death to the control freak in me!” I want God’s kingdom to come – in me, through me, to me, and I will not try and control how that happens. I want His will to be done, and I know it will always be perfect despite me not being in control... Or especially because I am not in control!